People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Welcome
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.