what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
You Might Also Like
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
😂💯
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse