I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
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At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on