From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
😂😂
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.