Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours