Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said