*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
There’s never enough good news
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.