This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You Might Also Like
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car