me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My biological clock is wheezing.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?