I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk