When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
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It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.