Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*