At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
#NeverForget
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill