In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.