The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I wish this was real life…
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”