This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.