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The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I remember when things only cost an arm.