“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
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Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
#dnd #ttrpg
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
It be like that sometimes 😆
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.