These are the best menu descriptions I’ve ever seen. Sheer perfection
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WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.