These are the best menu descriptions I’ve ever seen. Sheer perfection
You Might Also Like
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂