Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

🤔😂😂

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat