“I can’t believe twitter is free” it isn’t, there is an inconceivable toll
Funniest Tweets of 2022
This collection was supposed to go up around NYE, life happened and I am just getting around to it now.
hey babe sorry i have so many curios and relics scattered around my room
birds are so strange you literally have wings why are u in the state of ohio
*staring at screens for approximately 12 hours a day*
Yeah I could probably live on a farm…the woods even…
Every day I log onto this website, see four of the strangest sentences ever written, and then go about my day. The long term effects of this on the human brain are unknown.
me: your honor, may I approach?
judge: yes
me: my tummy hurts
Me: father father I have finished my collection of short stories and limericks. And father…I have decided to dedicate it to you
My Father (unable to forgive me for the irredeemable sin of having not fought in a war): Have you seen my damn AirPods
my sim rippin a bong in a subway eatin cookies with a goblin
sometimes an album is good because it came out when i was 17
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
we all have that one homie who’s a little esoteric with it
There was a woman who worked at my job a few years ago who went on vacation to Europe. She’d saved up a bunch of days and was gone for a month.
When she came back she tendered her resignation. No notice. Just bounced.
Listen to me–
Iconic.Her triumph is now office lore.
everytime i look at a clock i’m like “there’s no fucking way”
Going back the next morning and courtesy faving every reply from the night before like you’re cleaning up beer cans.
Many of you townsfolk claim to be “on that merchant shit,” yet upon a simple day’s trip to the market, I have found none of your wares.
H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
Nobody will remember:
– Your salary
– Your fancy title
– How ‘busy’ you were
– How stressed you were
– How many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– How you invented alcoholic salad dressings
God, I was so happy when I was 18. I wasn’t at the time, but in retrospect I was.
But then as they walked away (likely confused) my phone started frantically buzzing, alerting me that there was a LITERAL tornado warning
do u think my therapist is ever like man i hope it is a gossip day today and not a trauma day
(butler whispering in my ear) sir, you have just been retweeted by an evil little man.
me to the table: excuse me gentlemen. something has arisen that requires my immediate attention
34-year-old on Twitter : “PAW Patrol is copaganda that reinforces America’s role as the global police force and indoctrinates a new generation of children into our collective military fetishization.”
34-year-old not on Twitter : “We’re redoing our bathroom.”
Can’t wait to see my boys from college this weekend. They’re going to tell me about how much money they make in the finance industry. And I’m going to tell them that I’ve noticed an alarming and sinister pattern in the briefcases that contain a million dollars on Deal or No Deal
remove all of the bathrooms from churchs right now. you need to be doing that at home
tonight I had the sacred honor of showing a baby boomer how to use the Coke Freestyle machine at a movie theater
scrolling on my phone (in the bad way)
“Y’all wouldn’t have survived COD lobbies in 09 😂”
My brother in Christ, you are 36 years old. It’s time to move on.
(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.
These are the best menu descriptions I’ve ever seen. Sheer perfection
no offense but sometimes you can just tell if someone took gym class seriously. it’s such a specific vibe
Guy on jeopardy was just introduced as a “stay at home uncle”
What’s with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.
For the past 20 years I’ve received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
You don’t see a lot of brown cars anymore. When I was a kid it was just doodoo brown Oldsmobiles all over
the tv is very good, the world is very bad: the 2022 story
hi I’m Kendall Roy and this is, uh, the fucking Disney channel
email was a mistake. we shouldn’t be able to communicate this quickly. if my husband died at Gettysburg, that’s not my business until next spring.
Nice quarter zip brother. Fresh to death. Do you think you could kick my ass
my love language is cooking elaborate meals screaming at everyone to get out of the kitchen then loudly announcing the food was NOT MY BEST and waiting for compliments