remove all of the bathrooms from churchs right now. you need to be doing that at home
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*