remove all of the bathrooms from churchs right now. you need to be doing that at home
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.