But then as they walked away (likely confused) my phone started frantically buzzing, alerting me that there was a LITERAL tornado warning
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it