But then as they walked away (likely confused) my phone started frantically buzzing, alerting me that there was a LITERAL tornado warning
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO