Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

what’s the point then??

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.