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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
14: Wanna play a game?
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey
Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?