Me: father father I have finished my collection of short stories and limericks. And father…I have decided to dedicate it to you
My Father (unable to forgive me for the irredeemable sin of having not fought in a war): Have you seen my damn AirPods
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: You should get tested.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.
“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Beer keg at party
-there are better ways to drink beer
The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby