Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup