Me: father father I have finished my collection of short stories and limericks. And father…I have decided to dedicate it to you
My Father (unable to forgive me for the irredeemable sin of having not fought in a war): Have you seen my damn AirPods
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.