34-year-old on Twitter : “PAW Patrol is copaganda that reinforces America’s role as the global police force and indoctrinates a new generation of children into our collective military fetishization.”
34-year-old not on Twitter : “We’re redoing our bathroom.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
