34-year-old on Twitter : “PAW Patrol is copaganda that reinforces America’s role as the global police force and indoctrinates a new generation of children into our collective military fetishization.”
34-year-old not on Twitter : “We’re redoing our bathroom.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
