34-year-old on Twitter : “PAW Patrol is copaganda that reinforces America’s role as the global police force and indoctrinates a new generation of children into our collective military fetishization.”
34-year-old not on Twitter : “We’re redoing our bathroom.”
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase