Going back the next morning and courtesy faving every reply from the night before like you’re cleaning up beer cans.
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People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.