Going back the next morning and courtesy faving every reply from the night before like you’re cleaning up beer cans.
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There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*