everytime i look at a clock i’m like “there’s no fucking way”
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Pigeon open mic night.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
The prophecy is fulfilled
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Breaking news:
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.