everytime i look at a clock i’m like “there’s no fucking way”
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.