Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.