Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold