my sim rippin a bong in a subway eatin cookies with a goblin
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
B: Notice anything different about me?
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Me: *calls child’s name*
Me: *calls child’s name*
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Nana: I found you on twitter
N: so you like the butt stuff
N: me too