my sim rippin a bong in a subway eatin cookies with a goblin
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My diet starts in January
of 2027
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.