What’s with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work