What’s with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.