What’s with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
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…..pretty much.
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.