Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

This is what makes twitter great

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that