hi I’m Kendall Roy and this is, uh, the fucking Disney channel
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Simple