hi I’m Kendall Roy and this is, uh, the fucking Disney channel
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Something Saturday.
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Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Oops I deleted….
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.