sometimes an album is good because it came out when i was 17
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*