sometimes an album is good because it came out when i was 17
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
God, I love Scotland
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
next level snooze