H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
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If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
doctor: no, “ahh”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
all that yoga finally paid off
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…