H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
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1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.