Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Life cycle of cat

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

whenever i wake up before my alarm

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

saw this in a dream

Morning.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”