Nobody will remember:
– Your salary
– Your fancy title
– How ‘busy’ you were
– How stressed you were
– How many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– How you invented alcoholic salad dressings
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Awwwww shit.