Every day I log onto this website, see four of the strangest sentences ever written, and then go about my day. The long term effects of this on the human brain are unknown.
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything