Every day I log onto this website, see four of the strangest sentences ever written, and then go about my day. The long term effects of this on the human brain are unknown.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?