Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

reduce, reuse, recycle

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.