me: your honor, may I approach?
judge: yes
me: my tummy hurts
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
reminder
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Finally!
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.