me: your honor, may I approach?
judge: yes
me: my tummy hurts
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
This is why I hate group projects
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.