the tv is very good, the world is very bad: the 2022 story
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
congratulations to them
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Worst bar ever.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing