Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

boat question

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.