the tv is very good, the world is very bad: the 2022 story
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy