Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.