“I can’t believe twitter is free” it isn’t, there is an inconceivable toll
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One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.