“I can’t believe twitter is free” it isn’t, there is an inconceivable toll
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
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*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?