do u think my therapist is ever like man i hope it is a gossip day today and not a trauma day
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Happy birthday to all the women
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police