do u think my therapist is ever like man i hope it is a gossip day today and not a trauma day
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
uh oh
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone