do u think my therapist is ever like man i hope it is a gossip day today and not a trauma day
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school