tonight I had the sacred honor of showing a baby boomer how to use the Coke Freestyle machine at a movie theater
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I remember when things only cost an arm.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.