tonight I had the sacred honor of showing a baby boomer how to use the Coke Freestyle machine at a movie theater
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If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Saw online –
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.