judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
![]()
You Might Also Like
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”