judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
this is the best interaction on twitter
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
damn he’s good
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.