Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

*sewing*

A thread

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.