*staring at screens for approximately 12 hours a day*
Yeah I could probably live on a farm…the woods even…
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Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”