my love language is cooking elaborate meals screaming at everyone to get out of the kitchen then loudly announcing the food was NOT MY BEST and waiting for compliments
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The dark side of Canada
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank