my love language is cooking elaborate meals screaming at everyone to get out of the kitchen then loudly announcing the food was NOT MY BEST and waiting for compliments
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I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
where the womens at?
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.