my love language is cooking elaborate meals screaming at everyone to get out of the kitchen then loudly announcing the food was NOT MY BEST and waiting for compliments
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Not today. 😅
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
