Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
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If Christian Bale鈥檚 voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
it can鈥檛 have done Tiny Tim鈥檚 confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Gro脽liebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I鈥檓 looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That鈥檚 my specialty.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it鈥檚 important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Me, at the arby鈥檚 drive-thru: i didn鈥檛 hear you, can you repeat that?
arby鈥檚 cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman