Grocery Store: Psst! Coupon for $2 off!
Me: Ooh!
Grocery Store: When you buy 18 boxes!
Me: Oh.
You Might Also Like
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Whoa 😂
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Scammers are evolving I almost fell for this
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me trying to look natural in photos
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.