I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
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The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
sleeping beauty
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead