idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.