If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too