My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
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Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
is it earth
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?