Nailed it…ποΈππ
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sorry but Iβm allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Iβve never βhopped on a call.β Iβve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my βlingerieβ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesnβt change the fact you still live in your parentsβ basement.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: You canβt fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon